Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Passwords are more important than ever.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute