FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair