when you don’t want to be too vague
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My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
starting a garage orchestra
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Don’t talk down to me
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.