Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.