[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity