embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Does it…does it take 3 days
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.