[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”