Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You Might Also Like
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.