Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
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How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.