detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Jesus Christ lmao
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel