Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
this could fix me
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
For those that worship cheese..
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.