Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“TGIM!” – My liver
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.