[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.