Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
nyc:
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.