You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Oh hi lol
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*