Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.