11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Brother?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Just a friendly reminder!
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I’m listening
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.