me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.