Nothing to do, you say?
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If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
#parenting
worst…sale…ever
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow