You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.