There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
You Might Also Like
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
This is always good for a laugh.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.