Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights