[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.