The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN