The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Can’t stop laughing
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“TGIM!” – My liver
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*