Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
HELP 😭
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂