Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”