I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
pelicons
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height