You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.