The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*