Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.