*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
You Might Also Like
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I feel attacked.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!