Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
You Might Also Like
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
next question.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
A Short Story.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself