“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.