A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Webb. James Webb.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo