Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*