I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
You Might Also Like
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
HOW DARE YOU
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.