Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds