Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
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I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Current mood: Potato
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.