I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.