I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail