You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men