Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
This is amazing.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*