DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.