At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.