Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
You Might Also Like
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.