Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My neck, my back, my…
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..