Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
This headline is a thing of beauty
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room