Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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#Caturday
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”