this is what they would have looked like, though
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
do horses think humans are hats
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
the three branches of government
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues